12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
3pm strippers are depressing
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
