Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
