Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
