Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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