and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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