One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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