ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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