It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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