I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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