I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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