Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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