4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
