Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
