Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
