how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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