Jerry, you need to find god
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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