I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So many bounce houses so little time
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
