remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
