i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
