we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
