don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
