Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
