We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Randomize
