woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
