i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
