youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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