Do you still have your period?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
