It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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