I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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