I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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