chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's the barista slut.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
