I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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