My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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