If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize