Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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