Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
