Screwed.edu
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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