I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize