woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
