he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
