you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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