somebody snuck up and got me drunk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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