My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
