Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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