Girls should come with a carfax report
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
