so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize