I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
how drunk are you?
Several
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
