I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
