I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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