sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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