Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
