I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
