i don't like sucking hair
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is Oprah even human
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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