I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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