it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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