Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
