Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
