I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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